20 December 2006
Shit! It's på ængelsk!
Jeg ble bedt om å holde takk for matentale på julebordet i år. Og siden jeg etter hvert har fått sansen for å prøve å være festlig foran forsamlinger takket jeg jo ja.
Men siden jeg fortsatt er det jeg selv liker å kalle "makelig anlagt" plukket jeg fram et gammelt kåseri jeg skrev på videregående. Og oversatte det til engelsk, vel og merke. Vi er blitt fryktelig internasjonale, nemlig.
God jul, folkens!
So here is the History of Christmas.
It all began around March or April at 4 or 5 BC. Maid Marion? No, Virgin Mary had been told she would give birth to the Son of God. The local maternity ward had been closed in the hope of savings related to synergy, a magical method for saving money.
The closed maternity ward forced Mary to bring forth the donkey, and ride to the Regional Hospital of Bethlehem. ‘cause no one takes the environment into account when local health institutions get closed. Wear and tear of hooves, increased hey consumption and increased emission of donkey shi*cough* FROM donkey.
Nor did they consider that when closing one ward, you should increase the capacity of the other ones. So once she got to Bethlehem, Mary found the hospital so packed that she saw no other alternative than bearing forth the Lord’s Firstborn in a stable. This was how the whole Christmas thing got started.
So, people celebrate Christmas in December because God’s Son was born sometime in March-April five years prior to his own birth. Being born THIS prematurely was the first Miracle of Christ.
It would be less fun if Xmas and Easter came at the same time. Try impressing your spoiled children with a chocolate egg on Boxing day.
Holydays would be too far apart as well.
Other strangeness has been occurring at Christmas time though the years.
In Asia Minor, for instance, around 300 AD… (Which is 300AD because the Lord’s Firstborn was born 305 years ago.)
Right, so in Asia Minor lived Bishop Nicholas.
Asia Minor, by the way, is not a seedy bar from a dubious part of Bankok. It’s roughly equivalent to Turkey. Which is probably why they eat this for dinner in most of England and the US.
Now, where was I?
Right. Turkey, Bishop Nicholas. In addition to bishoping he had a night gig at a local school, along with a little devil he kept on a leash. (Actually, ancient Christmas tradition claims, it was a man in disguise).
This devil spanked the naughty children, while Old Nick (Might be a bad choice of a nickname, that…?) Nicky distributed presents to the pupils that had done well.
Later, the devil on the leash got fired. Nicholas felt he needed a change in climate, and so moved his business to the North Pole. Never did anything half way, did the Old Nick. He also changed his name to Julenissen, or Chris Cringle, if you’d like. He lived up there until sometime in the eighties, when he was kidnapped by a gang of Finnish thugs.
They locked him in a cupboard in Rovaniemi, and took a bunch of pictures of him, which they printed on Christmas Cards. Now the Finns have Koskenkorva, and a Santa with a red nose. I trust you spot the connection.
So, Santa kept distributing presents to good children, even though he moved to the North Pole. Yet he had to vary his method of delivery. In the US he had to sneak in through people’s chimneys. In the middle of the night, Christmas Eve. Had he parked his sled outside in the daytime, and come a-knocking he’d be sued on the East Coast, and shot for trespassing in Texas. And if he managed to survive, he would pretty soon find himself in an orange suit in Cuba, room and board covered by Homeland Security.
The worst thing, though, wasn’t having to enter through the chimney. The presents often had to be stuffed into various versions of foot garments. Dirty socks that for all he knew could have been used for weeks. Having to eat a Marsipangris is bad enough if it HASN’T been stuck in a sock for a night.
They must have big feet in America, by the way. I can’t imagine anyone fitting a sleigh, or a dolly pram into Norwegian “lubber”.
Here in Norway, Santa came to visit people on Christmas Eve, distributing presents by hand. Why he acted differently here is uncertain. I choose to believe it has nothing to do with the Chimney Sweep Guild, though this is definitely within their jurisdiction. I’m hoping it’s because we are less trigger happy and litigious.
It should begin to dawn on most of you by now that we do celebrate the merry Yuletide in Norway as well. Those of you, who believe this is a relatively new thing in this country, are gravely mistaken, though. We’ve been celebrating up here since the Viking ages, and before that. The days became brighter in late December. This used to be enough for a holyday.
We had fun offing cows, oxen, horses and hens. The blood was splashed on the guests. It was also mandatory to quaff enormous amounts of ale and mead. When the Pope in Rome got whiff of this sort of merriment, he wanted in on the fun. So he decided to merge the Viking Jul with Christmas. It was a massive success. Nowadays, the time of year is the only thing left of the Viking Jul.
That and some serious binging at Julebord and Family Dinners where uncles who hate each other’s guts try their best to keep the Yule Tide Peace.
I’ve mentioned Santa a few times already. Julenissen, we call him. We used to have nisser in Norway as well. In the olden days. Not julenisser, but fjøsnisser (the Cowshed Nisse), skognisser (the Forest Nisse) and then some. They were well cared for, in the olden days. At Christmas they got all got rice pudding, and it was customary to pour some of the Christmas Ale on the Tuntre (The tree in the yard) so the Faeries got some nourishment as well.
But what would the Temperance Committee say if people charged about pouring beer on lampposts or fire hydrants? Both nisser and Faeries have died of thirst.
As the Nisser died out, one after another, only the Businisse remained. People had to start making, or buying their own gifts. Some made presents to the last nisser as well. Andersen, they were called, and were carpenters. Innover der, og bortover sånn!
Now, buying presents is quite difficult. But then it's the thought that matters, right? Right! And here are just a few of the thoughts you can read from a select few standard gifts:
* A tie: "We don't love you enough to buy power tools"
* Socks you have not knitted yourself: "This thinking stuff sounds interesting. I'd like to try that some time."
* Perfume, deodorants, soaps, any kind of toiletries, really: "You smell, and should wash more often."
Anyway, to quickly sum up the whole Christmas history, Mary had a little lamb,
St Nicholas went to the North pole,
All Norwegian nisser are gone,
Julenissen is locked in a cupboard with a crate of Koskenkorva, so his nose gets nice and red for Cola commercials and Christmas cards.
He is too tipsy to drive a sled. Christmas has become expensive.
And then there was something about a tyke in a manger.
Anyway, to uphold Yuletide traditions older than the State of Norway, lets head for the bar and start binging! SKÅL!
Men siden jeg fortsatt er det jeg selv liker å kalle "makelig anlagt" plukket jeg fram et gammelt kåseri jeg skrev på videregående. Og oversatte det til engelsk, vel og merke. Vi er blitt fryktelig internasjonale, nemlig.
God jul, folkens!
So here is the History of Christmas.
It all began around March or April at 4 or 5 BC. Maid Marion? No, Virgin Mary had been told she would give birth to the Son of God. The local maternity ward had been closed in the hope of savings related to synergy, a magical method for saving money.
The closed maternity ward forced Mary to bring forth the donkey, and ride to the Regional Hospital of Bethlehem. ‘cause no one takes the environment into account when local health institutions get closed. Wear and tear of hooves, increased hey consumption and increased emission of donkey shi*cough* FROM donkey.
Nor did they consider that when closing one ward, you should increase the capacity of the other ones. So once she got to Bethlehem, Mary found the hospital so packed that she saw no other alternative than bearing forth the Lord’s Firstborn in a stable. This was how the whole Christmas thing got started.
So, people celebrate Christmas in December because God’s Son was born sometime in March-April five years prior to his own birth. Being born THIS prematurely was the first Miracle of Christ.
It would be less fun if Xmas and Easter came at the same time. Try impressing your spoiled children with a chocolate egg on Boxing day.
Holydays would be too far apart as well.
Other strangeness has been occurring at Christmas time though the years.
In Asia Minor, for instance, around 300 AD… (Which is 300AD because the Lord’s Firstborn was born 305 years ago.)
Right, so in Asia Minor lived Bishop Nicholas.
Asia Minor, by the way, is not a seedy bar from a dubious part of Bankok. It’s roughly equivalent to Turkey. Which is probably why they eat this for dinner in most of England and the US.
Now, where was I?
Right. Turkey, Bishop Nicholas. In addition to bishoping he had a night gig at a local school, along with a little devil he kept on a leash. (Actually, ancient Christmas tradition claims, it was a man in disguise).
This devil spanked the naughty children, while Old Nick (Might be a bad choice of a nickname, that…?) Nicky distributed presents to the pupils that had done well.
Later, the devil on the leash got fired. Nicholas felt he needed a change in climate, and so moved his business to the North Pole. Never did anything half way, did the Old Nick. He also changed his name to Julenissen, or Chris Cringle, if you’d like. He lived up there until sometime in the eighties, when he was kidnapped by a gang of Finnish thugs.
They locked him in a cupboard in Rovaniemi, and took a bunch of pictures of him, which they printed on Christmas Cards. Now the Finns have Koskenkorva, and a Santa with a red nose. I trust you spot the connection.
So, Santa kept distributing presents to good children, even though he moved to the North Pole. Yet he had to vary his method of delivery. In the US he had to sneak in through people’s chimneys. In the middle of the night, Christmas Eve. Had he parked his sled outside in the daytime, and come a-knocking he’d be sued on the East Coast, and shot for trespassing in Texas. And if he managed to survive, he would pretty soon find himself in an orange suit in Cuba, room and board covered by Homeland Security.
The worst thing, though, wasn’t having to enter through the chimney. The presents often had to be stuffed into various versions of foot garments. Dirty socks that for all he knew could have been used for weeks. Having to eat a Marsipangris is bad enough if it HASN’T been stuck in a sock for a night.
They must have big feet in America, by the way. I can’t imagine anyone fitting a sleigh, or a dolly pram into Norwegian “lubber”.
Here in Norway, Santa came to visit people on Christmas Eve, distributing presents by hand. Why he acted differently here is uncertain. I choose to believe it has nothing to do with the Chimney Sweep Guild, though this is definitely within their jurisdiction. I’m hoping it’s because we are less trigger happy and litigious.
It should begin to dawn on most of you by now that we do celebrate the merry Yuletide in Norway as well. Those of you, who believe this is a relatively new thing in this country, are gravely mistaken, though. We’ve been celebrating up here since the Viking ages, and before that. The days became brighter in late December. This used to be enough for a holyday.
We had fun offing cows, oxen, horses and hens. The blood was splashed on the guests. It was also mandatory to quaff enormous amounts of ale and mead. When the Pope in Rome got whiff of this sort of merriment, he wanted in on the fun. So he decided to merge the Viking Jul with Christmas. It was a massive success. Nowadays, the time of year is the only thing left of the Viking Jul.
That and some serious binging at Julebord and Family Dinners where uncles who hate each other’s guts try their best to keep the Yule Tide Peace.
I’ve mentioned Santa a few times already. Julenissen, we call him. We used to have nisser in Norway as well. In the olden days. Not julenisser, but fjøsnisser (the Cowshed Nisse), skognisser (the Forest Nisse) and then some. They were well cared for, in the olden days. At Christmas they got all got rice pudding, and it was customary to pour some of the Christmas Ale on the Tuntre (The tree in the yard) so the Faeries got some nourishment as well.
But what would the Temperance Committee say if people charged about pouring beer on lampposts or fire hydrants? Both nisser and Faeries have died of thirst.
As the Nisser died out, one after another, only the Businisse remained. People had to start making, or buying their own gifts. Some made presents to the last nisser as well. Andersen, they were called, and were carpenters. Innover der, og bortover sånn!
Now, buying presents is quite difficult. But then it's the thought that matters, right? Right! And here are just a few of the thoughts you can read from a select few standard gifts:
* A tie: "We don't love you enough to buy power tools"
* Socks you have not knitted yourself: "This thinking stuff sounds interesting. I'd like to try that some time."
* Perfume, deodorants, soaps, any kind of toiletries, really: "You smell, and should wash more often."
Anyway, to quickly sum up the whole Christmas history, Mary had a little lamb,
St Nicholas went to the North pole,
All Norwegian nisser are gone,
Julenissen is locked in a cupboard with a crate of Koskenkorva, so his nose gets nice and red for Cola commercials and Christmas cards.
He is too tipsy to drive a sled. Christmas has become expensive.
And then there was something about a tyke in a manger.
Anyway, to uphold Yuletide traditions older than the State of Norway, lets head for the bar and start binging! SKÅL!
Labels: Christmas
